the intimate longings of "spirit & soul"

sometime ago i met a girl with a smile in her eyes and some truth in her heart. the kind of girl you could never forget. she said she was goin somewhere. that the Lord had burdened her to go and that there was a mission out there. there was some hurt and some pain; there were some people out there who didn't have that smile in their eyes or any truth in their heart. i admired her; i wanted desperately to go but i had become someone else.

ive left town before. scattered everything i own and wagered the things i know against a bright California sky. i didnt know Jesus then but in fact He knew me. it seems the very desires in my heart that i claimed as my own were bending like a flower toward the sun, like a child toward home. He met me just as i was and i wanted desperately to have what they had, the mountain christians with their simple hearts and elevated minds. but i had addictions and a lack of direction. i was a broken compass lost and confused.

nothin changed till the day i cried of my sin. i felt the fatal realities crawlin up my skin and i knew that somethin was chokin me... i couldnt breathe like i used to. i couldn't dream, i only sang sad songs and my thoughts turned black. i missed the sunshine and fresh air like long before. i met Jesus just then... in that place, where my glory seemed to fade.

i started goin to church twice a week and payin my dues. it was all so new and the people i met just made me feel alive. 3 days after meeting Jesus for the first time a missionary came to our church. he spoke of Africa and the people there. how for years theyve been locked in their fears chasing evil spirits and doin their best to survive. i saw my self that night. not in their story, although i wanted to go. i just saw my self leaving. i knew that their were people all over the globe needing some change. i knew that Jesus had me there that night for a reason.

i was in aviation at the time. being taught the ways of the wind and the sky. and i looked to the sky. i looked to the peace and wonder of it all. i met a friend who flew and also loved the Lord and i started putting these pieces of this "God's will puzzle" together in my mind and i percieved my life to be going in the direction of aviation missions. started praying and started painting pictures in my heart of what life would be like. flyin into the jungle and bein there for lives. for the people that needed somethin.

i started flyin and learnin to be somebody in the sky. i used to go up in planes by myself and just fly up there above the trees and rivers of Florida just prayin for people. singin "our God is an awesome God" as i slipped the surly bonds of Earth. but somehow i got colorblind and found myself on the ground again. thats the short way of sayin what happened.

remember that girl i told you about. the one that was leavin from the start. well, it was gettin time for her to get knowin where she'd end up and she told me she'd be leaving soon. she was goin to this land locked place that had a cold breeze and didnt even speak the language. i thought she was a little crazy at first. and something inside of me was questioning why i felt that way. i had only been a follower of Jesus about a year at this point and somehow I had already lost that connection to who i was the night that missionary came to talk. what was so diluted in me that i couldnt even find the reason for someone to go? i think somewhere during that first year of believing i traded in the gospel for a safety net. i think i had nine to fived it so long that my paychecks started speaking louder than the intimate longings of my spirit and soul. i tried to harness the diminished power and false security a forty hour work week had done to my mind.

and i didnt mention it yet but i always had loved to surf. to paddle past the boundaries of conflict and depravity. to wade out into the sunshine currents and duck dive a power that was real to me. i'd always see the waves coming toward me and wonder where they'd been. did they originate in some storm off Africa or some tradewind just blew them my way. i couldn't understand how someone could walk away from that.

the chains of the present were gettin shackled tight and i was starting to slip into the years. at some point i could picture myself being there forever. work five times a week, go to church twice and surf whenever i get the chance. just stay put and cop out. get used to the routine and maybe if i'm lucky go on a mission trip every now and then.

now there's nothin wrong with hard work, it does make you feel good. i'm just writing this to share with you how i've felt. i got to that point i tell ya, sometime around the middle of this year and i started to pray. i asked God to make me someone who could walk away from my favorite thing (including waves) and turn to something deeper. i asked God to send me. i asked Him to call me. i asked Him to want me somewhere else.

but something else happened. i started wagering my will with God. i said i'd go somewhere and leave my job as long as i could surf. i told God that i'd go to either Costa Rica or South Africa. i started putting God in my box and opening it when i wanted and i dont think i really viewed Him as Sovereign. i prayed for stuff and asked him to lead me where i wanted to go.

i'm saying that to say this. Jesus is calling me someplace new. someplace i dont understand and nor do i really want to. i'm trying to get dependant on Him. and i'm wanting to just get on board with His will not my own. it may sound churchy but its not even remotely like that.

i'm askin God to lead me the way He did with Abraham. by faith. not really knowin where i'm goin or what i'll find there.